Love Inc. – Where Feelings Meet Efficiency™

Congratulations!

After a rigorous selection process, we’re pleased to offer you Conditional Romantic Engagement with Dahlia Carter (Ref. #09234).

Your application has been reviewed against 187 other candidates. Following multiple rounds of emotional aptitude tests, situational simulations, and a deep dive into your past relationships (including an extensive audit of your social media behavior, online searches, and unsent drafts), we have determined that you are tentatively a suitable match.

Terms of Employment (Romantic Contract Level 3 – Full-Time Exclusive):

• Probationary Period: 3 months
• Key Performance Indicators (KPIs): Daily compliments (min. 2), consistent text response time (under 12 minutes), weekend availability (80% or higher)
• Conflict Resolution Protocol: No more than 2.5 arguments per month; must demonstrate growth-oriented feedback loops
• Affection Quotas: Handholding (public: 5 min avg, private: 15 min avg), intimate gestures (spontaneous, but no overuse), sexual performance (evaluated quarterly, 360-degree feedback)
• Emotional Stability Index: Maintain above 85% approval rating from Dahlia Carter and her advisory board (friends, exes she still texts, mother)

Failure to meet expectations may result in early termination or demotion to Situationship Level 2B (Non-Exclusive, As-Needed Basis).

Your Role & Responsibilities

As Dahlia Carter’s Romantic Partner, you will be responsible for providing emotional support, spontaneous acts of love, and overall relationship sustainability. Your primary goal is to ensure Dahlia Carter’s satisfaction while maintaining your own emotional ROI (Return on Intimacy).

Mandatory tasks include but are not limited to:

✅ Birthday & Anniversary Awareness (penalty for forgetfulness: -10pts)

✅ Social Media Representation (must engage with all posted content within 5 minutes, enthusiastic comments required)

✅ Sexual Initiative Balance (you should initiate approx. 60%, ensuring both partners feel desired)

Optional (but recommended): Gifts that demonstrate thoughtfulness without performative desperation.

Perks & Benefits

• Emotional validation (contingent on your performance)
• Scheduled intimacy (peak engagement period: 11:30 PM - 12:15 AM, Fridays)
• Mutual support in times of non-catastrophic personal crises
• Occasional “Good morning” and “Good night” texts

Termination Policy

This relationship is at-will and may be terminated at any time by either party. Should Emily Carter decide to discontinue engagement, you will receive a two-week notice (if performance was satisfactory) or be ghosted without explanation (if performance was subpar).

Should you wish to end this contract, you must provide a formal Breakup Notice™, including a valid reason for termination and a 500-word reflection on “What I Learned From This Relationship.”

Following termination, you may:

✅ Remain on good terms and qualify for Future Reconsideration

✅ Be downgraded to Platonic Status (Friendship Tier 4)

❌ Be permanently blacklisted with a Do Not Date Notice circulated among Dahlia Carter’s network

Next Steps

To proceed, please click "Accept Offer."

Should you decline, please note that the next qualified candidate is on standby.

We appreciate your interest and look forward to maximizing relationship efficiency together.

- Love Inc. HR